3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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