I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
