everyone is single if you try hard enough
someone owes me an orgasm
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
