you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
