She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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