Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
