I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
