Apparently you make a good broom.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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