I just saw a hot homeless man
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize