I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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