just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
