ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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