All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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