Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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