Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
