DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
