I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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