just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
