My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
