I want to make a zoo with you.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
