How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
