He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
