Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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