I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I just found a bag of teeth...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
