i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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