Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize