Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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