It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
