Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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