i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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