Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
