The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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