At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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