I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
