I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
