If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
