I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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