If i come over, it means nothing
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
