I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
the day after is always just damage control
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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