I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
