I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
