Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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