woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
