I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
