When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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