OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
