When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
