I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
