Cold hands, warm shart.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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