I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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