Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
