Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
