dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
