He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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